But, there has been a reoccurring nagging in my heart. And I know when that happens it is God trying to speak to me. Yesterday I read an article about child rearing and one of the most important parts is to be cheerful. Cheerfulness covers a multitude of sins. As parents we are learning as our children are learning. But the one thing we can always bring to the table, as it were, is cheerfulness. Even if we don't have the right words, wisdom or the correct answers. Or even a clue as to what we are doing!
Then I read a post on one of my favorite blogs about the person I am in public verses the person I am at home. Ugh! That struck a nerve big time. How often am I concerned how I or the kids look and act as oppose to what is in each of our hearts. Sometimes we look more "joyful" in public than we are at home.
I, a lot of times, feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. That everyone is counting on me to do something, fix something, be something. Even though I know that God has called me to homeschool, I sometimes feel the weight of that as well. My children's spiritual and educational needs rest on me, solely. If they don't know their ABCs or a certain religious word, I am to "blame." Some times I think that when my kids are older and they start to find their own way and they make mistakes or bad choices, it will be my fault because I missed something. My mom once mentioned giving up homeschooling if I couldn't handle it all. But, I do know that God has called me to do this. He is girding me for the challenge, He is strengthening me (and my children), He is using me. If I will just allow Him to do His work ;) I need to believe that it is NOT all on me. That others are responsible for themselves, including my children. He tells me time and time again to cast my cares onto Him.
I am not a perfect mother, homeschooler, wife, follower of Christ. I am not perfect at anything, really. I know that, but I am a perfectionist. What a conundrum. I went to the doc on Monday and the midwife was amazed at the fact that I had four kids. She said she is so tired with two (although she also includes juggling full-time work - honestly I don't know how she does it :) I assured her I was no different then her. Actually, I really wanted to stress the fact that I do not have any more energy or patience then she does. And yes, I scream at my children and husband and do all sorts of ungodly things. But, theoretically, I also know that if I humble myself, get on my knees and heartfully ask for forgiveness, He does forgive me. AND, I get to wake up the next day and start all over again! Hopefully learning from my sin and disobedience. (Sorry, I digress.)
I think with the upcoming New Year it has made me think of all of this. I am not big on resolutions. I truly believe everyday we are given the opportunity to grow in Christ. But, I think this year I want to have true joy. The kind that permeates everything I do and say. On the inside AND the outside. At home AND in public.
Is this possible? I know in my head that it is. I have read in God's word that it is. The hold up is me. My unwillingness to just "let go and let God." My pastor also said "Act how you want to feel." I have also read your attitude is also like practicing a piano. If you keep hitting the unhappy keys then that is what is going to be in your heart, unhappiness. If you practice hitting the happy and contentment keys, your heart will eventually be filled with happiness and contentment. It is all about choosing. Choosing to be happy, choosing to be content, choosing joyfulness. (Thank you Debi Pearl.) I know God can help me with that. If I just ask, everyday.
So, for my New Year's Resolution, with the help of God Almighty, I am going to choose to be joyful. And hopefully by this time next year, it won't be a choice, it will be my natural inclination. Feel free to let me know how I am doing . . .
4 comments:
I feel much the same way, but you articulate it so well.
And I don't have to wait until next year to tell you how you are doing -- you are doing good. Very, very good. I think you do have a lot of true joy... at least that's how it comes across to me. But, like most of us (everyone) it's not constant.
Wishing you joy in your journey this year.
Thank you! If only you were a fly on my wall . . . ;) But, I have hope because I know what I think my struggles are and I do try. All any of us can do is try ;)
But you are a wonderful Mother, Wife,Daughter, Sister,Friend, Homeschooler, and most importantly,a follower of Christ.
Nobody is perfect, and my 5th Grade teacher (ironically, Warren's Aunt), told my parents that she was worried about me, because she thought I was a perfectionist,which would end up me needing Psychiatric help in later years. You are so fortunate to have such a wonderful husband and four healthy and beautiful children. Just count your many blessings my Dear. You have so much to be thankful for. Please don't allow other people to influence you. Sometimes I think you take life too seriously. Enjoy every day; do what makes Ann joyful, because in turn your happiness will make others in your life also peaceful and cheerful.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you have many stressful days now, but in a few years you will look back on them and cherish the memories.
HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Amen, Ann - to the concerns about being the same person at home and out, and to the knowledge that only by God's grace will we get to the place where they match. I'm glad to have you walking along the same road with me:)
Post a Comment