Control

When I haven't had enough sleep. Or there is too much activity in the house. Or the kids are sick. When I feel overwhelmed. Or when I am trying to figure things out, my immediate reaction is to control. Everything. And everyone.

I am struggling with it right now, as we speak. I can feel it in my bones. The need to direct people. The need to organize something. The need to straighten something. The need to accomplish something. And, it doesn't usually make me a very pleasant person to be around. Then I feel guilty. Ungrateful. Selfish.

None of which are good feelings. So, then, it kind of makes matters worse. Not better. I can't control anything, really. And, in all honesty, when the above-mentioned things happen, usually the best I can do is maintain. But, the urge to control hangs on.

I am in the process of learning tools to help let this sensation go. I take deep breathes. I think in my head "what is really important?" If I do get the toys off the floor is anything going to really change. Will I be less tired? Or will my child be less sick? The room will be kind of clean, but for a short period of time.

It is just my way of dealing with stress, I guess. But, don't they say, that just admitting there is a problem is half the battle? Well, I am admitting I am a control freak, especially under stress. Ahhh, that does feel better. Hmmm, maybe I am on my way to "recovery". Only time will tell. . .