Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart

Not.  I am not by nature a joyful person.  I very proudly tell people I am a glass half empty type of gal.  It has served me well for 44 years.  It is a lot easier for me to deal with disappointment if I don't have huge expectations to begin with.  Just being honest.  I tend to look at the negative things but in a humorous sarcastic sort of way.

No big deal.  Until the kids start doing it.  And I don't like it.  Then I have to examine where they get it from.  And then I have to point the finger at myself.

I LOVE being a stay-at-home wife/mother and a homeschooling mom.  During our worst days I have never, ever wished I were some where else.  I know, that I know, that I know, I am right where God created me to be and right where He wants me to be.

But, most days are not filled with joy.  Now, I am not saying that I am sad and crying and wondering "why me."  Although I have those days too.  But, the deepest hope of my heart is that we have a house filled with peace and beauty and joy and happiness.  A house where our soul purpose is to love and serve God.  And we can feel rested and refreshed.

I can tell you, most days that just is not happening.  It is survival mode.  Love is not the word of the day.  Service to one another are acts to be avoided.  Our hearts, my heart does not have the right attitude.  There is just something missing in our house.

So, as I was talking with a friend the other day about all the Christian kids that are abandoning their faith the minute they leave the house (or sometimes even before) and that homeschooling is not the whole answer, I started to think.

We do all the outward things well.  We pray, we have morning devotions, we go to church, we volunteer and serve others, we talk about God and Jesus and what the Bible says about life.  We discuss worldview and biblical world view.  We discipline (and sometimes encourage).  I have a quiet time and discuss weighty subjects with friends.  We have started a multi-generational family LIFE group at church.  But yet, in my heart of hearts, God is telling me there is something missing.

Something huge.  I can do all those things.  I am goal oriented, task driven and an excellent list maker.  I love reading, love doing school, love helping others.  But, absolutely none of those things produce joy or love or peace in my home.  They are parts of a full life, though.

As my kids get older, I want them to LOVE our home.  I want them to not want to be a whole lot of other places.  I want them to view our home as a sanctuary, a safe place, a place of love and fun and peace and joy.  I want my children to esteem me, hubby and their siblings.  Most of all, I want my children to love and seek God IN EVERYTHING.  Because faith and hope and love for Him produces true joy no matter what the circumstances.

God has put a bunch of stuff in my path the last couple of years.  I won't write it all out because it would take me forever to list it all.  From scripture, to people, to books, to circumstances (mostly beyond my control.)  He is telling me I have no love.  I have no joy.  We have no peace.  And it is because of me.  Not all because of me.  But, I can guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am the catalyst of all the bad feelings in our home.

I lack love in the everyday, little things.  I love the big picture.  But I struggle mightily with the everyday little annoying, frustrating, confusing things.  And isn't that what makes up life?.  All the little things?  I have boundless joy suckers in my house all the time.  I need to do something about that.

So, I am in the middle of the book The Happiness Project.  And that gave me an idea.  I am starting my own "joy project."  I am going to spend the next few days, weeks, months, years working on my joy factor.  From the inside out.  A true change of heart.  (I know I can not do it on my own.  Phil 13:4 I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.)

I am keeping a list off all the things that suck joy out of my life.  Everything from a forgetful husband to kids who can't sit at the table and just eat their food.  I am going to pray over the list, evaluate the list (as to why they suck joy out of my life), figure out whether the things on the list really matter in light of eternity, figure out what practical things I can do about the things left on the list,give God many things on my list.  And go from there.  The list, so far, in three days, is front and back of a sheet of notebook paper!

Most of it is just little things.  Just little, little, little things.  That get under my skin and "ruin" my day.

After praying over my partial list on Tuesday, I have decided to tackle LOVE first.  In 1 Peter God says it covers a multitude of sins.  And I am talking about love in my heart.  I am working on me first.  Be a catalyst of a loving attitude.  In all things.

I want to love the everyday little things that drive me crazy and suck out joy.  I want to learn to be thankful for those things and see them as opportunities for growth in me and my family.  Aren't we all on a journey of a relationship with Christ?  We are always growing, always maturing.

I truly do love my life.  I just want it to be filled with more true joy.  Not one that comes from circumstances, things or anything temporal.  I want my joy to be focused on the eternal. And the work that I am called to do for my King.  Being a joyful helpmeet to my husband, being a mother that someday my children will rise up and call blessed.  A parent who has eternal goals for her children.

So, as I progress through my Joy Project, I will be relating things through my blog.  Mostly because it is therapeutic.  And, blogging is something that brings me joy . . . .