Weaning

I am in the process of. Yes, I am sad but it is time. I am so happy EG and I made it this far given all the trouble we had in the beginning. We have been struggling again as of late. She wants so bad to be a part of what is going on around us. She gets distracted and doesn't want to nurse. And we don't nurse well in public. I am so fearful of her weight and health and nutrition. It weighs on me when she doesn't eat like she should (or I think she should.) She has a mouth full of teeth and occasionally nibbles. (Could anything be more painful?!?) I know my milk isn't all that great. I barely eat enough for me. At some point I just lose my appetite and that can't be good for my milk. I have made it a slow process and I am in no rush. And I will continue in the morning, maybe naps and at nighttime for just as long as I can.

I am sad. For many different reasons: 1) my baby is growing up and needs me less and less 2) she is most likely my last baby 3) if only I could have held on for a couple more weeks 4) I love having her all to myself in the peace and quiet 4) I am going into a different part of life now and that is a little scary. But, I think I (we) are ready . . .

Fear of Failure

As I continue to struggle to nurse EG, I have been asked a couple times "Why do I hang on?" "What is my motivation to continue nursing?" Especially since I am not getting any sleep, she could be gaining a little more weight, it is affecting the rest of the family, I am about ready for the insane asylum - ha, ha :) I have been thinking about that on and off for the last couple of weeks. Why do I keep hanging on?? It restricts what we do as a family. I am not sleeping well which affects my mood, my appetite, my general health. It isn't like I have successfully breastfed the others (Nature Girl 6 weeks maybe, Little Mama 7 mos, Boop 3mos). Yes, my ideas of family and children have changed drastically in the last 8 years. I am now a stay at home, homeschooling, wheat milling, vaccine questioning mother of four. So my best guess as to why I continue is the mere fact of failing my child. Of course this thought has opened a whole other can of worms. I AM GOING TO FAIL MY CHILD numerous times before all is said and done. That is why I cling to the love of God and want to raise my children to understand the love and grace of God. He loves me and my children more than I can possibly ever understand. The love of God is the only perfect love. He will not fail my children. Well then if He loves my children why is it so hard for me (and many other women) to nurse. I truly believe it is along the lines of the original sin. Why childbirth hurts. We are fallen creatures. Yes, God created our body to do certain things but because of The Fall it doesn't always work out like it was originally suppose to. Even after you have given everything. Maybe I am just saying all of this to let myself off the hook. Who knows. But I have faith that God knows. And He is using this trial for His glory. Some how, some way . . .